Marching Orders

March is an untrustworthy month – you can count on nothing, except the rudeness of the clocks springing forward as we grieve our hour of sleep and shuffle through the halls of an amputated day. The apple tree is not reliable, nor is the greening of the grass. Even the shoots from the crocus are uncertain. Just when the air softens and you feel like your tennis shoes belong in the world again, you get an icy wakeup call and have to reenlist the boots. Just when the t-shirt forces you to confront your arm flab, you’re allowed to slip back into the long and sweatered sleeves of denial.

March kicks off a season of trickery, and can be appallingly inappropriate. You can be woken and told that your father died in the night. You can have a miscarriage, lose a job, read the news, and sit inside your stunned and wintered heart staring out a chirping window, watching bikes come out and play. Easter-purple hops brightly across the grimy snow. Down jackets rub elbows with wispy lemon scarves. Sun sinks into your skin but your bones are full of ice.

You think it’s here, and then it’s not. You believe it’s arrived, and then it’s gone. What you’ve known to be true melts, and before the world is righted again you find you are standing in some bunny-colored slip of a skirt in the middle of lumberjacked day stunned by how wrong you can be.

Some wear layers, but you can’t prepare for shit like this without losing something essential. Kids laugh while others drown; there aren’t enough layers in the world to make that right. The experience of being in this incongruous day is hard. But as time shortens, light arrives. The true call of March is standing in the both and the all. The true call of March is always here.

free shoes & lo mein

I have a friend who is living in poverty, depressed, and unsure how to get unstuck. We decided the best way forward is one small step at a time, and so I bought her running shoes and took her out for chinese food.

This tiny gesture briefly lifted the weight off her shoulders – gave her a sense of relief, a sense that she is not in this alone, a sense that she is worthy of help and hope. And of course, it gave my own cringing soul a way to stretch again.

I don’t know why I forget how easy it is to fight the forces of hate. I guess I’ve been feeling so crushed by this bullying, racist climate; so flattened by the heavy torrent of injury and insult; so immobilized by the epidemics of addiction, poverty, hopelessness and hate that the swell of darkness felt like all the planets were made of barbed wire and bound together in endless, impossible, tangled loops. My mind has been bent in bloody complications. I’ve been pushing and fighting against it all, struggling to figure out how to start, hatching elaborate escape plans, concentrating all my intellectual and spiritual superpowers on the center of the universe and how I might set humanity free!

And I forgot how easy it really is. Go be generous and kind in any small way, today. New shoes and lo mein didn’t change the world – but for a time, it changed the way two of us experienced it. We woke released – she, from solitary confinement, and I from “cellblock trump”. We met in open air – and remembered what it is to be human.

Thaw

When the ice melts, the pond becomes deeper —
The reeds around the rim are soaked and softened and
Something buried in the bank slides into view.

Sink into the drench before the sun shallows and
The clay hardens at your feet —
Stand where the sluice and fathom meet,
Near the darkest, greenest margin of your soul.

Eleven Prayers for My Own Wild Soul

My prayer is to soften our time together in the woods,
To open, allow and really listen to the voices that are not my own and not like mine,
And give them ample room to manifest
So they may grow mossy and green
In the wide or narrow spaces between us.
May I be softer, too, and land lightly on a humble branch
Choosing to enter the wilderness without my wicked shears
Deciding to follow, stand, or shelter
Without blazing trails or trampling all the holy ground
With my own wild and hungry child

My prayer is to let go of that which wasn’t meant for me,
And pile great degrees of literature, philosophy, theology, psychology and neuroscience,
And gather all the ice skates and ballet slippers and athletic gear and grand pianos and cellos,
And fold up celebrity and microphone and center stage
And place it all on massive floats,
Then push them out to sea with candles meant for others to light,
While I stand where I am with awe and respect
Bathed in the brilliant flame of another
Able to receive the generous gift of inspiration and learning and warmth
Because I finally dropped my own heavy robe of wishes.

My prayer is to be embodied,
Embraced, held, grounded inside the skin and bones where I was born and where I will die.
I want to follow the bend of my own desires to the nape of your neck,
And wake entwined by you,
But only I can nurture every organ with oxygen and kale
And strengthen all my limbs with sweat until I can dance again,
And lift small children and swing them in circles
And do yoga on my head when I’m 92 —
I want to care for my body as if it were bound to my soul
And not some secondary burden where pain lives,
Locked in all the joints of an immobile life.
I want to remember its flushing purpose and the miracle
Of thumbs and eyes and hearts.

My prayer is to lighten up and find my inner dapple,
To laugh and delight in the chuckle and the cheek
That crouches with a smile on its face inside
The small stuff of the ordinary day
Waiting for me to wind the handle and let it loose —
Popping all the weasels fearlessly!
And let me be okay with the way I clumsily arrive,
Springing briefly into shocking view,
Swaying back and forth with the glee that is my own tilty wit
And let me remember that when I disappear again inside my brightly painted tin
I’m just one crank away from rising – not far at all, really, and always ready to be summoned.
And finally, while I am here rummaging through the old neglected toy pile,
May I please stop being so suspicious of smiling adults, and instead ask them if they’d like to come out and play?

My prayer is to create,
Great or tiny works of art –
To show up at the altar of my one true heart
Before empty canvases and blank pages and long hours
And find god there, waiting for me to arrive —
To concentrate deeply by the shores of my own soul
Until all its astounding colors find their way up and out
By a grace that magically rises whenever
Creation is invited to stay.

My prayer is to move you,
To open the strangled box inside my throat
Where I’ve locked up all my jingles and jangles,
And sing my phenomenal solo;
The one I’ve practiced all my life, made from the notes collected along the way
A composition of yearning crescendo and soaring invitation —
A tune that is catchy and stays with you always,
or one that is new that you’ve never heard before, and especially one that
Turns you toward the music of your own awakening
And the lifted voices and choirs around you

My prayer is to be astonished,
To go bravely and frequently into the great unknown
Because I don’t know what I don’t know.
To drive to Boston, catch a flight to Borneo,
To walk down an alley without a map and just arrive.
To remember that if even one unexpected poppy can make my heart soar with joy
Imagine if I were to stumble across a field of rumors and find them all true!
I want to show up in all the unfamiliar rooms and gatherings of the world;
In the town where I live, in my own backyard gullies,
And on continents I can’t pronounce –
At the foot of a waterfall
In the dust of poverty
In places where my heart will be broken by a starving child
Or raised by an ancient wall
Or strengthened by an act of my own servitude —
Expanded by the gift of the undiscovered.

My prayer is to keep my mind off the reservation,
And thunder across open fields with buffalo and bonfires
Hunting far and wide for our native land —
For places where we are interested in one another
And in stars
And grief
And rituals of joy and communion
And to live unembarrassed by this fierce loyalty to the precious tribe of the soul —
To wear my tattered skins and feathers even in saloons and cities,
Even in the crush and call of comfort and progress
Even when I am pushed to the margins by careless claims
And named dangerous, or primitive, or unsustainable.

My prayer is to live by the sea with apple orchards and birds
With rolling hillsides, and old stone walls,
And twisted branches and peonies.
And with just the smell of the ocean,
And my bare feet in the June grass
And my hands in the dirt —
Hold all of god’s great glory in my own simple garden,
And after a long day kneeling on this heavenly earth
May I carry it back beneath my nails
Where it will rise like tiny moons at the end of it all.

My prayer is for a cup of tea,
Brought to me quietly while I write
Made from a kettle we share,
In a kitchen we clean,
In a world that is generous and kind.

My prayer is to love you,
And let that be enough.

Dogma

Someone asked me if I go to church and I do not, unless you count the pew that is my dog Gilligan, where several times a day I must show up and be present, even though I’m very busy with my own lofty concerns, and often resent the stinky interruption. He’s no saint, but he’s still one of the best spiritual teachers I’ve ever had. At this very moment he’s curled and farting by my side (teaching me tolerance, I’m sure), but throughout the day, regular as a monks chant, he’ll let me know in no uncertain terms that he requires my full, undivided attention. He’s always reminding me of what exists outside my own head, in the great wide world of birds and love.

And while I often search for places to experience the glory of the world beyond my puny human boundaries, I did not expect to find it in this noisy, snorting animal. I did not expect to find myself expanded, challenged, lifted, humbled and saved by this round-bellied bat-clown of a dog. For that matter, I did not expect a dog.

He arrived as I imagine many of our spiritual gifts do; not by education, donation, tithe, pilgrimage, angel, tradition, or conversion; nor by beseeching the great breeder in the sky on bended knee. He arrived because I invited him. From the very first day I met him he looked me straight in the eye and said “choose, it’s up to you.” And so I did. And so it was.
Now, WHY I chose to let him in my life, I often wonder. As a writer I crave wide, empty swaths of time — massive volumes of uninterrupted, absolute silence. I’m also not particularly “a dog person”. Cats are more my style, as they tend to be happy hanging out with the dirty dishes until the time has come for a nod in their general direction. One can’t help but wonder if there is such a thing as divine intervention, and I suppose you could say there is – as my daughter is the most divine being I know, and she definitely intervened in the arrival of this dog in my life.

But in any event, he’s here. And as all spiritual teachers know, the journey begins with commitment, but must be followed by discipline. If I ignore either, I suffer – along with my carpet, the occasional roll of toilet paper, and my shoes. And like all spiritual relationships, you can’t just phone it in. Gilligan knows exactly when I’m tossing the ball impatiently, just calling myself a member of global church of dog ownership, and when I’m seriously devout in a starting a rousing chorus of catch and come here. He knows when I am walking with intention, and when I’m shuffling absently through the motions. Either way, he does his part. It’s up to me to do mine. And every time I do, our bond strengthens.

What makes him the most terrific spiritual guide is that he is a reflection of the best and worst of my own humanity. When I find myself resenting him, along with all the vet bills, nail clipping, silly interruptions, endless care taking, and inconvenient walking – (and not just on icy Christmas days or muddy Easters, mind you!) — I’ll find his eyes following me, begging for resolution. He quietly demands that we move forward and not get stuck in the gloom. He reminds me to surrender and stop resisting. To open the next few moments to possibility, and drop the surety of self. He forgives instantly, and I learn slowly. But together, we are finding our way.

Of all the things I’ve learned from him, being present is the greatest. Of all the gifts he’s given me, love is the finest. And what we’ve learned together is that showing up and saying yes – choosing – is the start of every holy thing that ever was.

Altar

“Altar”

Integrity lives, only once it’s found its true continent –
Once all the places you have claimed are unclaimed,
And every language you once spoke is unspoken,
And the face you cannot see is seen
In the eyes of a foreign shore.

When what you have lost you crossed oceans to find
Living in a stripe against the sky,
When there’s no final edge to fall from,
Just an endless, rounded rise.

When ancient ritual is carried back to your own holy altar,
When every piece you gathered along the way is sacred,
And even scraps are buried on bended knee,
Then, light the candle in the center of your one true home.

For once the fragments of the life that you have chosen
Are placed in circles ‘round the flame
What you didn’t choose remains as spark and wonder
Rising to the great unclaimed, where you will meet again.

News Cycle

Imagine a massive field of daffodils
All silent but undeniable with their screaming yellow heads;
Imagine we stand beside this field without our iphones —
Only scrolling across the hillsides
Only liking with our hearts
Only sharing with each other this same and simple view —
Would we stop being horrified
By the monstrous sound behind us
And multiply our great belief
That small green things
Rise in great swaths of generosity
When we look and look and look
For spring?
Surely, what thunders toward us easily and bellows in our ears
In a tumble and torrent of pissing spew is
Also undeniable;
But what grows in the crush and the sound of us is fire;
Without breath or astonishment we swallow lumps of coal
Whole, gasping for air, burning our throats
Seared by how wrong we were about the world,
Muted by the aftermath
And charred remains of faith.
Turn your back, now,
And walk away. Crouch low, until you see
The kind and sprouting shoot
That returns once more to rally the lighted forces of our
Love.

The Key

My spine falls in winter rain and
pools in grainy puddles in my bones.
These days, my knees bend only in an act of faith while
Stepping slowly down from any height.
I remember gliding and the way I would melt into the shape of others —
How summer swayed my hips and caught the hungry bees
But now they lock and stick as if I’ve lost the key
Inside my bent and brittle ribs, underneath this open heart
That slips and skips and leaps across the slushing of the days
Beating loud against the narrow pane of time.

Marriage Counseling

“Marriage Counseling”

My disagreement is cinched and stuck inside my craw
Breaching the space between us
Even though it’s speechless,
Clamped behind the trussing of decorum,
Dropped by the strangled clang of conduct,
Captive in a voiceless box of words.

What isn’t said says everything of course
About the course of us,
That gaping censored space is up to me to cross or not
By tattered twine and rotted wood
Or a feat of engineering
Forced and wedged between the teeth of us.

Let’s run to the jungle where the steam is fine
Along with certain rain and howl,
The tangled vine around my throat will swing
Sending me across the void
A wild cry loosened from my lungs
Could land me next to you.